Sunday, December 2, 2012

Hey, We Are Over Here Now!

Hey reader...or readers! I've decided to move the blog over to a new site. Main reason, I started to notice that typecasting the blog as simply humor was sometimes limiting my material, since there are many other things I could have written without having to rely humor. I'm not saying those stories are sad or anything, it's just that there's no need for humor in certain stories or I'm just in the mood of sharing things I've actually learned in life (to somehow give the blog's title a literal meaning for once).

So I'm gonna drop the link to the new blog here, and I hope to see you guys over there. All the humor will still be there, but it won't be the only thing now.

New Site:

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Fish Guts

Out of all the crazy stories I've told over the years, I still can't believe I haven't told the one where Ace almost got stabbed in college. That's right, stabbed. Well, you're probably wondering what could have caused this crazy scenario. I did too because as usual, I'm always missing those things when they happened. Given, I was only a few minutes away while it was happening.

So what did happen, you ask? Easy. Those who have read some of my previous stories before know that Ace can be quite the charmer with the ladies (even when it's not his intention). So you probably are already starting to connect the dots. A regular casanova being the victim of an almost-stabbing incident? Yes!

A few months before the event, a particular girl in college had a falling out with Ace for reasons unknown to me. All I know is that they apparently went out a few times but it went nowhere. Now, add to the equation said girl's new angry boyfriend and an issue where that same girl was getting harassed by a former lover, and you have the perfect recipe for disaster.

Angry boyfriend quickly learned of Ace's existence and went down to hunt him down in the middle of the day, sorta like a bad bounty hunter. Meanwhile, Ace was just minding his business playing cards. And that's when the whole thing exploded. Suddenly, the bounty hunter entered our hangout spot and quickly called Ace out. After finding him, he grabbed him by the shirt collar and started the threaten him. The main threat, of course, was that he would gut him like a fish.

He was one angry dude!

I don't know if he had a knife on him or not, but I was told everyone was just paralyzed with shock. So for one, Ace was down sh*t's creek without a paddle. And that's when the bounty hunter's girlfriend showed up.

"I got the guy who's making your life hell!" he told her.

"Umm..." she said with some difficulty. "That's not him."


"You got the wrong guy. Ace didn't do anything."

He let Ace go and gave him a pat on the back as he introduced himself. "Hey man," he said. "Sorry for the whole mess. But still, I would have gutted you like a fish if you were the right guy." And with that, they both left.

About a minute or two later, I arrive to find the whole place a bit odd. I look at Ace and he's got those eyes that tell "sh*t just went down." Once again, I had realized I had missed another story worthy event where I could have done something.

I blame Math 102 for it.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Being a Voter is Annoying!

Well, I gotta say I've had yet another first in my list of experiences. Today marked the first time I voted (at 25, one would think I would have done so before). Even stranger, my first time was in a place foreign to me. I didn't even bother to vote back when I was living in Puerto Rico. And suddenly, Pennsylvania has somehow made me go "sure, why not?" I really don't dig too much into politics, but I've always wanted to vote for a president (since we can't back home for some reason).

But this post today isn't about the whole political game or whatnot. Rather, it's do vent on how annoying it is to be a voter in both Puerto Rico and Pennsylvania. I got some observations from both now that I can say I've seen how it works on both ends of the spectrum.

First off, political campaigns at home can only be described in two simple words: F*CKING LOUD! There's so much noise that it has to be considered bad for the environment. Why? Well, every single candidate and their mother (do they really?) go out in loud caravans (trying to find the right word, but it's like a little mini parade for each candidate) and block every single road imaginable while making the most irritating amounts of noise. Gotta say, I've been stuck in traffic quite a few times thanks to those guys, so it can get irritating when you mix a lot of hostile drivers with that.

Secondly, people back home see politics like Americans love the NFL or baseball. It's a sacred sport and has caused quite a bit of trouble. Picture it this way. I would obviously get the living daylights beat out of me in Boston if I'm caught wearing my Yankees jersey, same thing at home but this time it's a tale of Red vs Blue. You have no idea how many brawls have broken out just because people are on different sides.

I disagree with your political views, my good sir.

But mostly, it's all about the noise. And speaking of noise, that brings me to the other side of the spectrum, Pennsylvania. In here it's been nothing but silence. While there haven't been any parades, caravans, or any other word for it, there has been a sweet silence. However, that silence is all gone once you turn on the radio or the TV. Back home it's the same, but you still get the noise outside the house. At least in here I can avoid all those negative ads by just staying away from my TV. Gotta say, those ads have made me miss even the dumbest of commercials.

Boy, do those ads annoy the hell out of me! I mean, every five seconds there's an attack ad. At this point, all I can think are about how much more dirt do they need to dig on someone? And that's when I had a few ideas:

-"X Candidate has a dog, and dogs lead to communism. Don't let X take away your rights!"
-"Y Candidate hunts bald eagles for sport, and that means he hates America!"
-"X was once seen wearing a Germany jersey during the World Cup. He's a nazi!"
-"Y once said a curse word in the 5th grade! Do you want someone like that leading your country?"
-"If X wins the election, the world will be driven into total chaos!"
-"If Y wins the election, it will ignite World War III"

At the end of the day, my brain has had enough.

Seriously, it's like watching kids pick on each other at times. At first it's fun to watch, but then it just makes your brain send signals to shut down your whole body! So no matter on what part of the world, elections can be quite annoying. The only difference is where the noise is distributed. Some are noisier than others while others are downright nasty. Oh wait, that's everywhere.

Good thing I already voted and got that all out of my system. Now, I wonder what we will do with all those political signs once tomorrow comes? Perhaps we can build a boat with them? That would be fun.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween Walk of Shame

In the spirit of Halloween, I figured I would repost a funny anecdote from last year's Halloween which had me both scratching my head and holding back my laughter. Nothing really much happened this year, so I figured I would once again share this story for those who didn't get to read it last year.

What, you thought going to costume parties, dressing up, and going trick or treat were the only things happening on Halloween? Well, think again!

On an episode of How I Met Your Mother, it was explained that Halloween also has what is known as the "Walk of Shame." So what does this consist of and why am I plugging one of my favorite shows? Simple.

I now have my own "Walk of Shame" story to elaborate on, and can now confirm the reality of this tradition. First off, this event needs a definition:
When you emerge from a guy's house wearing the same Halloween costume you partied in the night before reeking of booze, sweat, and maybe pumpkins- all in good fun from the night before. And unlike the normal walk of shame... you cannot hide in your halloween costume.
So there it is, a clear definition to the "Walk of Shame." Now then, off to my story...

My dog wakes me up at roughly 6am, normal time for the little guy to tell me to take him to his outdoor toilet. So I go to the elevator and catch a ride down. But suddenly, the elevator stops a few floors below and I quickly begin to wonder. "Who would wake up this early on a Sunday morning? Perhaps other dogs needed to take a dump this early too. Maybe someone works early today."

And then I see the person walking in. A girl more or less in her early 20's, I would say. She entered dressed in a cat dress, but it looked rather trampy. I quickly noticed the painted whiskers were almost done, by sweat I assumed. Not just that, but she had a look on her face that can only be described as shame and disappointment. She just looked at the floor, not even recognizing my dog's awesome cuteness.

The elevator opens at the lobby and she quickly walks towards the front gate. As she makes the trip, I realize she isn't a resident at the building I'm living in since she's got no key. That's when the episode from HIMYM came to my mind. And in seconds, I realized I was witnessing a "Halloween Walk of Shame." She walks out the front gate and just wanders off into the next street, no car noise or anything to indicate how she vanished. But I know this, she walked away shamefully as my dog took a piss on a car tire.

I wonder how many more flooded the streets in their costumed shame...

Sunday, October 28, 2012


Alright, so I finally manage to get back to this blog after a week's worth of recovery from the surgery (which sucks because all the pain kicks in late), suddenly to realize there's a super massive storm headed our way. Now, I'm no stranger to storms or hurricanes (being from the tropics might have something to do with it), but there's something about what they are calling a "Perfect Storm" that is causing some worry.

For one, I've never been through a so called perfect storm (despite witnessing hurricane Hugo and Georges in the early and mid 90's) and the thought of one outside my own tropical environment does worry me a bit. Secondly, there might be snow. Anybody who knows me knows that I cannot stand snow. So there's that. And thirdly, if it's a perfect storm, where the heck is George Clooney?

One thing that is tickling my funny bone through all this is the fact that they called it "Frankenstorm." We get it, it comes around during halloween. I would like to know who had the nerve to give it that name, because you know what? It works! It's a storm that comes during halloween! It's a crime not to call it anything other than Frankenstorm. So kudos to the person who came up with the title, because it's quite amusing.

It's alive!

But still, storms are nothing to be taken lightly. Take it from someone who knows a thing or two about them. So for my readers in the east coast (wait, I'm there too!) make sure to clean up your yards and everything, because chances are that your loose stuff will be sent out flying like a drunk missile doing its halloween walk of shame. Most of all, stay informed and don't panic.

I should be back to blogging in my normal capacity this week, especially since my side effects of the surgery are winding down. However, let's hope Frankenstorm doesn't prevent me from getting back again.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Bad Wisdom

Oral deuchebags, these wisdom teeth are.

That's right, it's that kind of wisdom. Tomorrow will be my turn to get my wisdom teeth removed. I swear, those little suckers are like ninjas. You don't know they are there, but suddenly they sneak up on you and kick your ass. Lucky for me, they are still just lying in wait, but I was advised to get them removed before they strike.

It's kind of funny when I think of it. Teeth that somehow go rogue and just want to mess with the rest. I keep thinking of the class clown when it comes to this. They joke around and get a pass, but there comes a time when they need to get knocked out. So I'm just happy I'm gonna shut the clown up before he pulls out a prank (and why did I just assume my wisdom teeth were all male?).

The one thing I'm not looking forward to is looking like a chipmunk. I was told I would look a bit swollen after the procedure, so I just hope I don't look like I'm packing nuts in my mouth. Yes, take your time laughing if you found my comment to somehow be wrong. Are you done? Good. Don't worry, I laughed too when I found myself saying it too.

You just turned this into a ball joke. Feeling proud?

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Night The Sky Exploded

I believe this was back in 2009, but this is a story that takes place in the very middle of the night. Normally, I'm the kind of person who goes to sleep extremely early. However, that was the night I turned nocturnal for most of it.

As I was sleeping soundly, I suddenly felt a door shut and dismissed it as just minor. Seconds later, my best friend, Ace, calls me at 1am yelling at the top of his lungs.

"What do you want?" I say as I'm waking up.

"It's the end of the world! There was this big explosion, and the sky is on fire!"

"If it were the end of the world, why the hell would you wake me up?" I replied.

"You got to believe me! There's this big ball of fire, and it's a mess everywhere. The sky is burning up!" he continued.

If I were awake, I would have noticed something was odd about this. Not because of the big fireball burning in the sky, but the fact that he was speaking clearly. For you see, my best friend stutters often when he speaks. His level of fear was so intense, he didn't stutter a single time. But sleepy me didn't notice it.

"Go look at the window," he said.

I stood up and walked towards it. "I will bet nobody is outside," I said as I opened the window.


"What?" he said.

"There's people pointing at the sky."

I walked out of the house and stood in the middle of the street as I looked up at the sky, realizing there was a giant fireball up there.

"The sky is on fire. Who knew?" I said, oblivious to the situation. And right there, I woke up.

What I think my face looked like when I discovered the fireball.

That's when I realized what was going on. I quickly hung up on my friend to check up on everyone else and make sure they were fine. Not many answered, but my buddy Johnny did pick up.

"Go see the sky," I said.


"It's on fire! You gotta see this!"

"I don't believe you," he replied.

"Would I call you in the middle of the night to tell you the sky is on fire just to get some laughs? I'm serious."

He stepped out of the house, keeping silent for a few seconds. When all of a sudden I hear him taking a large gasp on the phone.

"I stayed behind!" he yelled, thinking he got left behind in the rapture.

"It's not the rapture, you fool," I said. "There's been an explosion and I'm just making sure everyone's fine."

The real cause of that night's "Armageddon."

He hung up as I heard him begin to yell in paranoia. Turns out, there was an explosion at an oil refinery nearby and the entire area woke up due to the massive blast. But of course, none of us knew that right away.

As for me, I spent the rest of the night calming both friends. Both thought it was the end of the world, and I had to convince them otherwise. What a night it was...