Sarcastic Phone

So apparently my phone today decided to show me an event reminder in my calendar for tomorrow that read "1yr Anniversary."

My phone must have a sense of humor or something... because it must have not gotten the memo on the break-up. Or perhaps I just forgot it was on my phone...

This is what I get for forgetting to update my calendar, I suppose.

But hey, at least I don't have to go tomorrow. It's not like I will get in trouble if I miss that appointment now.

Lunch on Next Never

A while ago, I wanted to ask this girl I was interested in to a quick lunch. Problem is, she was always busy, so I knew I would have to get turned down...and most likely in public. But still, I had to take my shot.

Me: Hey, wanna go out for lunch sometime?

Her: Sure.

Me: So, when are you available so we can go?

Her: Ummm...Never

Me: Alright, so can I pencil you in my agenda for next never?

Her: *Laughs*

While I did get turned down, at least I managed to keep my composure and not look bad. Moral of the story is, always stay on your feet...it can often turn a bad situation around with just wit.

Surprise, Surprise!

It seems that a bunch of people today were bombarding me with the same question over and over. "What's up with you and your ex?"

Simply put, nothing is. We resolved our issues quietly and are just hanging out as friends, like most people do. But apparently it's become quite a shock to many.

Now I know what Spiderman feels when Jameson tries to get any kind of story on him, even if false.

The Reverse Magnetism Theory

You know how we try to attract as much as we can when we want to be with someone? The way we try to focus on those qualities that make that person so special, the way we try to do everything we can to make them ours, the way to try our hardest to have as much magnetism as we can.

But there's also a reverse method for this. How so? It only applies to people who don't want to search for a relationship.

I call it, "Reverse Magnetism Theory" (sorry if it's already used in science, but I checked with google and nothing came up in terms of name, so I'm good) and it's an effective way to stay single.

This happened to my wingman currently. He wanted to find a way to keep his mind off trying to get a relationship, so it was my turn to share some of my wisdom with him...and now I share it here.

Reverse Magnetism is all the opposite you do when seeking a relationship. You get to meet the person, but once you establish in your mind that you don't want a relationship with this person, find a quality that person has that you simply can't stand. And focus on it, focus with all your might. It's not a way to reject a person, because that's not what it's about. Just find something about that person that will make you realize it won't be a good relationship with that around. And once that sinks into your brain, you will no longer want something with that person. That way, you can continue about your business without having to worry about any emotions coming up because every time they might, that negative characteristic pops up and reminds you of why you don't want to date that person.

So next time you see that person nag, whine, show insanity, annoy you more than nails on a chalkboard, or just find a way to repel you faster than a nerd at a beauty pageant, keep in mind that it will keep you at ease.

Works every time!

Good Deeds and Trouble

I swear, one tries to do these good deeds and all it causes is trouble. For once, I kept a new year's resolution in wanting to fix my problems from the past before graduation. I finally fixed things with both my ex-girlfriends and contacted my former best friend about the matter. But where there's a noble deed, there's Murphy and his damed laws out there to ruin it.

I swear, Murphy's Law must have a thing against me.

Maybe it's just the universe's way of screwing with us when we behave accordingly. When people drift apart and then suddenly are brought back together for some reason, does it disturb the balance of the universe? I think that might be the case, since trouble follows with every good deed.

But hey, at least I managed to keep one of my resolutions for once.

Romeo and Juliet...and Chuck!

Chuck had just gotten word that they were supposed to have read “Romeo and Juliet” for tomorrow’s literature class. Having slacked off due to constant flirting with many girls in and out of his school, he decided to call up all of his alleged girlfriends and ask them if any one of them knew the story.

After trying for hours with dozens of girls, he had reached the end of his list, his current girlfriend, Sadie. He knew she was the studious type, so he had hoped she would at least give him a brief summary of the story.

“Listen. As much as I would love to help you right now, I have to finish with these chores, otherwise I would not even get to see you,” said Sadie. “But maybe after class I can give you some of my notes on the story. You know, Chuck, you really need to pay more attention with your homework. Why are you always so sleepy all the time and never have time to study?”
He knew the answer. He was all night going out with a girl about two years younger than him. He wasn’t about to tell her about what he does in his spare time, especially if it involves him being a womanizer who doesn’t take relationships seriously.

“Thanks,” he said, “see you tomorrow then.”

Once class started, Chuck had barely read the notes that Sadie had taken the time to write for him. He had once again, been flirting with yet another girl he has had his eyes on for years.

Once in class, the teacher’s explanation of the tragic story was bringing him intense boredom. Since he hasn’t slept at all, he tried to gaze over his notes to at least try to pretend to be listening. He instead, looked at the empty table. I wish I were out with true romance, he thought. If only I can find a girl I can truly have fun with.

And with that, he collapsed on his desk, probably of exhaustion.

When he woke up, Chuck found himself outside a castle. It was night, but it was darker than usual. No streetlights, no cars around, and not even a bicycle. He walked around quite a bit, noticing a young man walking around the castle.
“Where am I?” asked Chuck. “What kind of messed up place is this? Is this some kind of theme park or something?”
The young man looked back, confused. “Theme park? This is my castle. And I do say ask, have you seen a fine lady by the name of Juliet walking around these parts?”

Chuck turned red. The words “fine lady by the name of Juliet” made him anxious. He wanted to go get this Juliet of which this man spoke. A new conquest, he thought, how exciting. And yet, the British accent made him want to laugh. And yet, his smug attitude got the best of him.

“You sound like Harry Potter,” he said, “are you lost looking for Hogwarts or something?”

They young man once again looked quite confused.

“Who is this Potter fellow of which you speak? And this is not the castle of which you speak. If you must know, I am on my way to confess my love to Juliet, but there is a problem. I am very shy, and don’t know how to tell her how I feel,” he said.

Chuck looked at him with sympathy. I suppose I can let this one girl go, he thought, I mean…its just one!

“Don’t worry, umm…who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Romeo, Romeo Mo…”

He interrupted Romeo quickly. “Okay lover boy, if you want to get the girl, you need to get the look. How the hell do you expect to get laid if you look like this Shakespeare guy?” he said.

And yet, this idea had not crossed his mind until that very moment. He was inside the story of “Romeo and Juliet” itself. He had seen the movies. He had seen how Juliet had been portrayed. Suddenly, he felt even hungrier in his lackluster search for yet another feminine conquest. And he knew how he would help Romeo meet Juliet; he would make sure the story changes to Chuck and Juliet.

Up on the balcony, he could clearly see Juliet. She was much younger than the movies had portrayed her to be. She was in her early teens at most, like a junior high student. That is just the kind of girl that certain high school students like him, take special interest in.

Romeo already began expressing his love from the bottom of the balcony. Yet, he began to shake anxiously. Feeling nervous, he ran back into the alley, where his coach, Chuck awaited for him.
“I need some advice,” said Romeo. “I need to find some words that can express just how I feel. What if I tell Juliet that she is the sun?”

Chuck laughed out loud, “That’s a laugh! The sun, why the hell would you tell her she is the sun? Why don’t you just give her a nice compliment? Tell her she has a nice butt or something like that.”

And so, he gave Romeo some catch phrases he had learned on television. He had given him various techniques to get the girl from what he learned watching MTV, including several famous lines from Family Guy, South Park, and several other shows.
Romeo followed with the advice and gave Juliet the strangest love speech of his life. Looking confused, Juliet began to look down upon Romeo. “You are such a confusing man. Is this how you feel about me? These are all very confusing statements, not declarations of love! Get out of my sight! And do not even speak of my bottom ever again!” She then ran to her room, crying in anger.

Romeo also ran away in sheer rage. He had failed to conquer Juliet. He was doomed to be alone forever.
Seeing his plan finally come together, Chuck climbed up the balcony, entering Juliet’s room. “I am hear to helpeth…thee…my faireth…maideneth…” he said as he stuttered while pretending to be British. “I have heard the foul words this Romeo has told you, and I am here to cheer you up. Such a fine beauty should not cry. Juliet, you are like the sun, and the sun should always be shiny and bright.”

She looked at him, confused and yet comforted in a way by his warmth. “Goodness, can you be the one who has sent me this scroll of parchment with the declaration of love then?” she asked.
He turned red as he heard the word “parchment,” trying not to laugh in her face. “Yes! It was I who sent you that love letter!” he said in a cocky tone.

“Oh! I have finally found thy true love!” she said joyfully.

“Come then,” said Chuck, “let us embark on a night of nothing but full displays of passion. Let us show our love!”

Juliet kissed him, and they locked lips for what seemed to turn into hours. He was enjoying himself, he wasn’t holding back. He was inside “Romeo and Juliet,” knowing full well he wouldn’t get caught by any of the other girlfriends he had left back in school. Nobody would dare find him locking lips with Juliet inside a castle, and even less if it was inside a fictional work.
This is the best romance story ever, he thought, now I can embrace this young beauty as much as I want. He thought he was safe, not even Sadie was going to see him.

“Hey, Juliet, let me show you why love stories end with happy endings,” he said as he slowly guided her towards the bed. “You will now see why they call it happily ever after!”

And as soon as they were both in bed, the door kicked open.

“Chuck!” said a loud, angry voice.

He looked back. “Holy crap!” he yelled as his shock consumed him. “Sadie…how the hell did you get here? How? Why? No…this isn’t what it looks like. We were just…”

She now looked like she was about to explode, but before she could say anything; Romeo came rushing into the room.
He saw Chuck on top of Juliet, in what seemed in an attempt at getting to third base quite fast. Lucky for Romeo, Chuck had just crossed first base, but had not officially done anything yet. He let out a scream of rage as he punched him in the face. He then proceeded to take Juliet’s hand, looking straight into her eyes.

“Forgive me, my fair Juliet. Those words I have said, I did not mean them. They were given to me by this awful man and his strange talks of this thing called MTV and his constant rants on what he called ‘tapping thy ass.’ Forgive me Juliet, for I have been a fool to listen to such a man.”

And with that, she jumped into Romeo’s arms.

He turned towards Sadie. “I must thank you miss. If it wasn’t for you, I never would have had the courage to come and speak to my Juliet.”

Sadie walked towards Chuck, looking at him from above as he wiped the blood off his nose. “Now I know why you never learn about these stories, you are always out conquering different girls every night! You told me you wanted to read it so we could be more romantic. And here you thought it was a romance novel. Well, here’s one thing you didn’t know about this story. It’s a tragedy!”

Search for a Wingman

In all my time being single, I have often found myself never having a steady wingman. But in the process of one month, I have finally found my wingman. But to get to this wingman, I had to go through a few others along the way.

Wingman #1: My Best Friend

A Scarecrow having a Bug-Zapper for a wingman...bad idea. Every time we both went out, it was always him getting the attention. Never bring Zappers as wingmen, they will steal your prey.

Wingman #2: Best Female Friend

This one was just too complicated as well. She did help me scout for ones I could go out with, but somehow adding emotions for one another didn't help in the process. So I had to take some distance there also...

And then I finally found my current wingman. He taught me more in one week than anybody else taught me in months. Not just that, his methods worked out quite well. Not just that, but I think I'm becoming his wingman as well.

Looks like the universe has found balance once again.

Staying Friends? Part 2

On the night before Valentines, I presumed it was impossible to be friends with an ex.

By today, I find myself being friends with both ex-girlfriends.

Funny how things can turn around.

Sleepy Week...

For some reason, I'm having trouble staying awake this week. I'm always tired. I often wonder if the Energizer Bunny I had in high school went on vacation and didn't tell me. Either that, or by now, college has left it so exhausted that it has the battery life of a Game Gear.

That's it!

For some reason, my body feels like it's a Game Gear. It starts out all full of energy, but by a few hours you are going to wish you had rechargeable ones because it consumed all in one swoop.

And it's all because I barely slept on Valentines Day.

Damn

Side Effects

TodayI want to discuss 2 of the effects that happen when one becomes single. First, there's one thing people should know. When one gets off a relationship, they quickly get randomly selected by the universe to have one of these 2 side effects. They either get the "Bug-Zapper Effect" or the "Scarecrow Effect."

The Bug Zapper Effect makes you as attractive to the opposite sex as super bright lights are to flying insects, or as crappy vampire movies are attractive to emo kids and women. Without even trying, you attract people left and right without knowing why. However, none of these are successful as once they get too close, they get quickly zapped. I originally wanted to compare this effect to a bunch of flies surrounding horse crap, but it just wouldn't seem as proper to call it the "Horse Poop Effect" now wouldn't it?

And then there's the other one...the Scarecrow Effect. Upon becoming single, you share the very qualities of a scarecrow (except being made of hay and straw, that's just not cool) and somehow chase away all crows (members of the opposite sex in this case, but thankfully they don't crap on your wardrobe when they sit on your shoulders). You suddenly find yourself repelling them without knowing why. No matter the wardrobe you choose either, or the attitude you take. Once the universe has labeled you a scarecrow, you got very few that stay by your side. And if you're lucky to land a crow on you, then congrats...but by then you would be moved to a new farm since the old one was replaced for a convenience store.

So what's the moral of the story? Both side effects will mess with you, no matter who you are! And either way, we are all screwed. But once you identify which effect has chosen you, the better it is to work around it.

Staying Friends?

Something still stumps me after all this time, and it's this. How is it possible for exes to stay friends? I have heard of people who stay great friends with them and it just puzzles me. Perhaps it's since my last 2 relationships ended badly.

This is still a mystery to me...

Valentines Day

I figured out I could just also talk about the things I observe and everything besides just stories. At least it can freshen up things for lazy readers.

Valentines Day has been a pain to go through, and will be a pain this monday. I have recently thought of wearing a suit just to see what happens, kinda like a social experiment if you will. My best friend wants to wear a tie, but he's also kind of a ladies' man (or certified man whore if you want to see if that way), so I decided to one-up him by quote on quote "suiting up." And even there's no particular girl I'm going after, the whole suit thing would just confuse everyone.

And all in all, isn't that what Valentines is all about? Massive confusion generated by suits and ties? Perhaps not...maybe it's just a cheap excuse to give teenagers a day which to breed. I swear, Valentines has become less about friendship and more about chocolates, motel fees, condom sales, sex, commercialized love, relationships, and diamonds.

But for me, I'm going to celebrate it with my friends as usual. That, and perhaps I would get a good laugh or two to seeing people speculate as to why I'm wearing a suit...